Monday, October 16, 2006

Steagle Colbeagle, Plucked


A few weeks back, the citizen/viewers of The Colbert Report used that most American of democratic traditions - ballot stuffing - to name the new mascot of the Ontario Hockey League's (OHL) Saginaw Spirit "Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle". The stuffing season was both inspiring and successful, igniting a 6-game Spirit winning streak (including a three-game weekend road trip that The Spirit swept - after Colbert had called it on Thursday's show). However, I recently visited The Spirit site and noticed that former #1 mascot Sammy Spirit has his head shot on the Front Office page. But what's this? Steagle Colbeagle is nowhere to be seen.

But it doesn't stop there. Over at the Spirit Kid's Club, the operation is still known as "Sammy's Spirit Kid's Club" despite Steagle having been designed, both in physique and temperment, to appeal to the pre-teen crowd.

Colbert, a southerner, appears to be behind the Spirit. But these 'oversights' have me thinking that perhaps, the whole "Steagle" affair is nothing more than a cynical attempt by the Hollywood hype machine to capitalize on the popularity of Saginaw Spirit hockey.

I wait to be proven wrong.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

F1 Champions! They're Just Like Us!

TSN, reporting on the news that Jacques Villeneuve is "coming for you Ricky Bobby" laid bare just how far Villeneuve has fallen since the salad days of wiping that fucking smile off Schuey's face:

"Villeneuve and his wife were spotted Tuesday at an Ikea store in Montreal by reporters for La Presse."

Ikea? Ikea.

Was he hoping to save a few sheckels on tea lights? Maybe pick up a few dented Billy bookcases in the as-is?

This is not a fitting end to an F1 career. Nor an auspicious start to one in the land where rubbing is racing. Ikea? It's just so... so... shit. No, it simply won't do. THIS is how Jacques should have decorated this life transition:

1. Get absolutely hammered on Kristal and Natty Light.

2. Go out and kill a large mammal (something endangered, like a whale) with a brutish weapon (a crossbow, or perhaps some dynamite) while screaming drunkenly and at the top of your lungs "soooooooo-WHEEEEEE!"

3. Skin the fucker. Then throw away the entire carcass - save the foreskin and nut sack.

4. Pay poncy, minimalist Euro designer an unconscionable amount of money to craft furniture that looks like it belongs in a prison cell. Make it something obscure - like a vitrine or a pembroke - that NASCAR types wouldn't know whether to put it in the tool shed or the shitter.

5. Upholster said vitrine in said whale foreskin.

5. Hold a press conference announcing the big news whilst lounging - or doing whatever it is that one does on a vitrine - on your vitrine and doing lines of blow off Shania Twain's tits.

It's so SIMPLE - keeping your traditional base happy while appealing to the new audience.

Or, you could just do it from the ball room. Loser.



Friday, September 22, 2006

"A Man Whose Spam Filter Decides Primaries"

Last night's Colbert Report brought up an interesting kerfuffle from a few months back that allows me pretense to come very late to said kerfuffle.

With this being the Jewish week of atonement - actually the 10 days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kipur, the three-day discrepency surely having something to do with usury - Colbert has installed a hotline to allow various MOTs who have wronged him over the past year to set things straigh with both God and Colbert. Last night, he called out WaPo word doodler Richard Cohen for describing Colbert's performance at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner thusly:

"Colbert was more than rude. He was a bully."

(Digression - Cohen begins the column by laying out his credentials as a funny man. Richard, you're a Jew. EVERYONE knows you're both smart and funny.)

Unsurprisingly to, well, everyone (yes, you too Richard - see smart and funny, above), calling out Colbert in such a fashion resulted in Cohen being buried under a blog-o-flurry of emails telling him what an enormous testicle he is for holding such an opinion.

So, Cohen did what every blogger would do when surfing 'The Colbert Bump', he published a follow-up shedding heavy on both the volume and vitriol of said emails:

"What to make of all this? First, it's not about Colbert. His show has an audience of about 1 million -- not exactly "American Idol" numbers."

The fact that thirteen year old girls and anyone who would sue Clay Aitken for not being straight most likely don't have a ton of time for political satire appears to be lost on Cohen. But let's be charitable for a moment and presume that Cohen meant to say that The Colbert Report - like The Daily Show and Plum TV and The Newshour - is a media outlet whose social impact cashes checks its ratings don't appear to be able to write.

Had he said that, when he held his laptop to his forehead and pronounced Karnak-style that his bulging inbox meant trouble for the Dems in 2008, it might have made sense. Sort of:

"This spells trouble -- not for Bush or, in 2008, the next GOP presidential candidate, but for Democrats... I have seen this anger before -- back in the Vietnam War era... In this way, they managed to prolong the very war they so hated."

Hmmmm. "What to make of all of this?" Well, for starters, RC shouldn't use the week of atonement to make amends with Colbert; he should use it to make amends with poor Ohio. Sorry buckeyes, from now on, as goes Richard Cohen's inbox so goes the nation.

NOTE - By a strange co-incidence, Cohen also had a Carson theme this week.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Experiment

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Tuesday, July 18, 2006

WTC Number Two


Head over to Paramount Pictures, wait for the main space to scroll through the graphics for Nacho Libre and Barnyard, it'll hold on World Trade Center. Click on it.

I love shit jokes.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Pronger

I've pulled down the Pronger post. Christie Chorley made a statement denying any connection with the situation. I respect that and have nothing other than the word of a few tangentally connected individuals to confirm that the rumour is true. Consider it retracted. The statement:

OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM CHRISTIE CHORLEY

JUNE 29, 2006



ANY RUMORS AND/OR SPECULATION ABOUT MY INVOLVEMENT WITH THE CURRENT CHRIS PRONGER SITUATION IS COMPLETELY, ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT FALSE.



I would appreciate your help in putting an end to my name being linked to this situation, as it is completely WITHOUT ANY MERIT OR FACTUAL BASIS.



Any further slander or defamation can and will result in swift legal action.



Thank you.