Thursday, March 09, 2006

2+2=It Depends On Who You Believe


Dateline, Tuesday. SI.com Releases excerpts from the Barry Bonds doping expose "Game of Shadows". The exhaustive account of everything Bonds stuck in his ass or under his tongue from the people who stuck it there is, well, kind of irrefutable. But, as the kids at Deadspin so ably point out, the "baseball fraternity" is living up to its name. The "it depends on who you believe" argument is gaining steam - everyone from Larry Walker to Bonds' teammates have been quoted as such. Deadspin equates it to creationism; interesting but, I feel, not enough. No, I think it's more like the basic 2+2=5 school of arithmetic. Creationism at least does us the service of offering a whole bucketload of absolute nonsense in response; the MLB Mittsa Nostra simply shrugs its shoulders and employs the infamous (both in the rhetorical and musical senses) "Shaggy defense" of, It Wasn't Me.

With that in mind, I have here (in the words of Tom Lehrer) a few modest examples of possible parallel defenses to other volumes of irrefutable evidence:

The Holocaust: "Well, I mean, those six to ten million people could come back at any time. Maybe they stepped out to buy some smokes. Perhaps they weren't so happy being shunted off into various 'Jewish ghettos' across Europe. And who put them there - you ever think of that?"

2+2=5: "It really depends on what your definition of 'two-ism' is" (apologies to Ricky Gervais)

The Death of Michael Hutchence: "If you ask his parents, they'll tell you that even as a boy he really loved quality leather goods."

Black and White: "I think perhaps if you asked Pink about that, you might get a different answer smart guy."

Spy vs Spy: "What, me worry?"

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