Thursday, April 06, 2006

Fashionista Recruitment Tape

More from the vaults. Also contributed to Toro as a comic. Fuck'em

Ab Fab Jihad: The Fashionista Recruitment Tape

OPEN: A fuzzy, shaky shot of a swanning Karl Lagerfeld. The backdrop shows a world map, but in a projection that makes LA, NY, London, Paris and Tokyo occupy a HUGE portion of the world. At the corners of the map, out the window we can clearly see he is in Paris.

KARL: “Air kisses! MUHA! MUHA! Now, down to business. Today, the wounds of the fashion forward are deeper than ever.”

Karl recedes to the top right corner in a picture-in-picture effect. In the main frame is a video of beautiful fashion victims running from a burning Wal-Mart to waiting Hummers.

KARL: “The infidels from the flyover lands are following the path of the bridge and tunnel crowd – but there is hope. These brave warriors placed themselves among the hi-carbed, to rid the world of a shipment of twin sets; during Fashion Week no less!”

Karl still in top right. A khakis and runners clad couple going into an Armani Exchange while an uber-fashionable couple look on in disgust.

KARL: “Still, in spite of the sacrifices of these great warriors, the holy names are spit upon. Forgive me Coco, I wash my hands of these brand equity diluters, these business casual infidels.”

Karl still top right. A Sarah Jessica Parker Gap commercial plays

KARL: “Are Fashion Editors and Stylists blind to the desecration of “she who made holy the Jimmy Choo” by the Great khaki-selling Satan? And have you ever wondered if they cast only tiny models so that she looks, like, normal size?”

Back to Karl in front of backdrop.

KARL: “How did we get here? I quote Billy Joel when I say:

Don't you know about the new fashion honey,
All you need are looks and a whole lotta money.

Plus ça change et plus c'est la même chose.”

Karl back up to right corner. At the same time, in the main image we follow Karl around the Fashionista Training Camp – the first image is of Karl watching the “obstacle course” training exercise. Except instead of hooded jihadists swinging from the monkey bars in the middle of the afghan wilderness, it is buff male model clones, stripped to the waist, wearing only white linen trousers with the cuffs rolled-up swinging from monkey bars bedecked with great white lengths of gauzy fabric blowing in the wind in what is clearly South Beach.

KARL: “But hear me know when I say we can take back The Meat Packing District, we expel the Mid-West from the rive gauche! We each have it in us! Fashionistas, prepare for the Ab Fab Jihad! Listen to the Brazilian Girls on your iPod Nanos, do a thousand crunches and then, and only then, exfoliate!”

Karl still in top right. In main image, Karl surveys a catwalk set up in the sand, female models on the catwalk handle obviously fake guns in the same comically awkward fashion that the models in the Robert Palmer “Addicted to Love” video handled their instruments.

KARL: “The great big box retailers will try to stand in your way! But you will blend in – flying commercial, drinking non-vintage Veuve, exercising under the pretense of ‘feeling good’ – but when the time comes…”

Cut back to Karl one-shot, but now standing next to Jeanie Becker

Karl: “…The minister of information will tell you when and where to strike.”
Jeanie: “Asalamalakum”

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