Friday, January 20, 2006

What's in a Name?

In the name of being a good husband and good democrat, I downloaded four party platforms for the upcoming Canadian election for my good lady - Conservative, Liberal, NDP and Green. While I have yet to read all of them, I did note one thing - only the Conservatives had locked their PDF so as I could not change the name of it. L'etrange n'est pas? Must check out the Christian Heritage Party and see if they have a similar "thou shalt not change our platform file name in vain" platform.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Footy Players Might Not Need Eyes...

But you sure as fuck do to see this pitiful "Leftovers" link on Deadspin.

You get postings up on Gawker and Deadspin in the same week, ka-blamo! Then you realize Deadspin posted it just so they wouldn't have to feed it to their dogs! Not Ka-blamo.

Have an Eye

Northern Ireland and (Scottish Premier League) Hibernian forward Dean Shiels is slated for surgery "within the next few weeks" to have one eye removed. Losing sight in one eye would spell "career ender" for most elite athletes. The difference here being that Sheils has been blind in this soon to be free agent eye since he was eight.

First, to quote Hibernian manager Tony Mowbray, ""What is amazing is that Dean has adapted so fantastically that people who don't know him well have been entirely unaware of this." No shit.

Second, none of the reports I read mentioned whether we were talking about the right eye or the left eye. In the tried and true form of NHL personel, keeping us guessing as to the true nature of the injury - very clever.

Third, one can only assume this will spell the end of article lead-ins like this one:

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

British TV

I blame Fawlty Towers. (Full disclosure: again, I haven't watched more than about 10 minutes of it) As soon as John Cleese, the most recognizable of the Pythons, at least in hindsight, shifted gears from existential sketch madness of The Flying Circus into what would be considered a good American sitcom, he made the telecrati in the US think that British television was somehow superior. Prior to that point, the pasty nation was as famous for hour-long specials on cheese making as they were for bad teeth and forward thinking racial policies.

Don't get me wrong, the 10 minutes of Fawlty Towers that I have seen were as enjoyable a 10-minute televiewing interval in my life as many others. But I question whether 10 minutes of FT is more bang per comedy minute than 10 minutes of Sienfeld. Likewise, can Father Ted hold a candle to Arrested Development? The Office to Curb Your Enthusiasm. Jesus, reading that list has made me realize that Father Ted and Sienfeld are the only two of them that I have any amount of experience. That having been said, let's turn away from comedy until such time as I've seen enough of it to pronounce anything.

Drama - now there's something the Brits REALLY suck at. The American heavyweight champions in this category hardly need any introduction - Law & Order, The Sopranos, Six Feet Under - to mention only the ones I've actually seen! Have you SEEN an episode of The Bill? Whimpole? The Avengers? No, neither have I. But then, it's not for no reason at all. Unlike the CSIs, which I hate because they are overwrought and idiotic (and because David Caruso's waist up profile makes my back hurt), I hate the Bill et al because they simply look stupid. I don't need to watch a complete episode to know I don't like them. I've never read Mien Kampfe either, but I suspect ain't exactly Dan Brown - you know what I'm sayin? By the way, I only watched CSIs because once upon a time I lived with someone who would scarcely watch anything else. I did so under duress. Had I had my drothers, we would have been watching Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm and BOTH versions of The Office.

It's You! Only Completely Disenchanted, Older and Fatter!

Here's a wonderful way to brighten up the office next holiday season (kicking yourself for not thinking of it for the '05? Me too!) - gift wrap your cubicles, and give them as a gift to yourself. Don't have that much time? Just stuff your head in a plastic stocking for fast-acting cubicle cheer!

Share your own version of hell on NBC's The Office site. Yea, it's not as good as the English version blah blah blah. Well you know what, I've seen about 15 minutes of both of them and I thought the American version was just fine thank you. Let's see the POMs make Deadwood and pull it off.

Next post, I'll explain why English television isn't nearly as good as NPR listeners think it is.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Alvin, Simon and Me Are Mad as Hell!!!

So, recently I was collared to do some voice work for an ad agency I do some work for from time to time. It was for the Conservative Party of Canada. This spot is particularly interesting. The voice you hear saying "I understand that Paul Martin has been talking about a childcare program since I was 5, I'm 18 now" is mine. However, it has been sped up in order to make my 34 year old tone sound 18-ish. Hilarious. In Canada, even the spin is low budget.

See if you can pick me out of the other spots:
Health Care
First person to email me with the correct spots and quotations wins the first batch of my previously mentioned Cafe Press schwag, and some swamp land in Florida.

PS - Pssst, these weren't actually man on the streets. They were scripted.

Heavy Meta

Picture an old-school barbershop. The kind with mirrors on opposing walls so when you were getting a trim, you would see an infinitely repeating image of your viewpoint that would form a tunnel - each reflection appearing inside the other. The only thing that would be partially obscured was the point of being there in the first place - your head. An overly florid explanation of the above posting of the above posting on Gawker. With all this traffic coming in over this, I'll be fucked if I STILL haven't got my Cafe Press store up and running.

PS - It's MICRObano cocksuckers. MACRObano implies proportions well beyond my Cafe Press mugless self.

PPS - In keeping with my own efforts to be whatever James Frey said he was being, yes, I DID send the original posting to Gawker my damn self. What of it punk?

Monday, January 16, 2006

Fuck The Bullshit, Internet Technologies Tame Truculent Devotees

In keeping with James Frey's policy of being open and honest, his personal site - - is now password protected.

Already tried - UN: HoldOn PW: FTBSITTTD, no luck.

Six Million Schtetel Pieces?

Oprah's latest book club choice? An autobiography that was originally published as a novel. Seems like not a wonderful choice given recent events. Given that the book is Elie Wiesel's Holocaust memoir "Night" it seems, well, kind of stupid. What's wrong with Snow Falling on Cedars or Middlemarch?