Thursday, March 09, 2006

2+2=It Depends On Who You Believe

Dateline, Tuesday. Releases excerpts from the Barry Bonds doping expose "Game of Shadows". The exhaustive account of everything Bonds stuck in his ass or under his tongue from the people who stuck it there is, well, kind of irrefutable. But, as the kids at Deadspin so ably point out, the "baseball fraternity" is living up to its name. The "it depends on who you believe" argument is gaining steam - everyone from Larry Walker to Bonds' teammates have been quoted as such. Deadspin equates it to creationism; interesting but, I feel, not enough. No, I think it's more like the basic 2+2=5 school of arithmetic. Creationism at least does us the service of offering a whole bucketload of absolute nonsense in response; the MLB Mittsa Nostra simply shrugs its shoulders and employs the infamous (both in the rhetorical and musical senses) "Shaggy defense" of, It Wasn't Me.

With that in mind, I have here (in the words of Tom Lehrer) a few modest examples of possible parallel defenses to other volumes of irrefutable evidence:

The Holocaust: "Well, I mean, those six to ten million people could come back at any time. Maybe they stepped out to buy some smokes. Perhaps they weren't so happy being shunted off into various 'Jewish ghettos' across Europe. And who put them there - you ever think of that?"

2+2=5: "It really depends on what your definition of 'two-ism' is" (apologies to Ricky Gervais)

The Death of Michael Hutchence: "If you ask his parents, they'll tell you that even as a boy he really loved quality leather goods."

Black and White: "I think perhaps if you asked Pink about that, you might get a different answer smart guy."

Spy vs Spy: "What, me worry?"

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

An Open Letter to the Producers of "Bonds on Bonds"

From: Alexander Churchill
To: ESPN and Tollin/Robbins Productions

Subject: Bonds on Bonds

Wednesday, March 8 2006

This project, as you know it, is of course dead. But please, please, please, for the love of the Supreme Court tell me that you have the contractual leverage to keep the cameras rolling. There is not a syringe on earth with the necessary gauge to inject a sensible thought into BB's head; but if there were, here is the injection I would formulate:

Barry, continue filming "Bonds on Bonds" through this, your entrance into end times. Making what would be the best sports movie ever made is your only shot at redemption. It would be like capturing the precise moment that a young Pete Rose felt the rush of winning all the peanuts at poker; or putting a swing & tilt lens on the second that OJ realized that he was the only person on earth who mattered. If we could have taken those moments and set them to a Danny Elfman soundtrack, their downfalls would surely have been averted. It is not too late for you. Put your faith in film and let ESPN Original Entertainment be your salvation. The makers of "Arli$$", "Cold Pizza" and "Radio" may seem to be unlikely sponsors of your epiphany, but they have won a Peabody for a lesser-known project. Trust them, they know what they do.

Or, something along those lines. I know that any sensible idea (with at least an iteration of anything even remotely resembling truth) may not survive the toxic environment of Barry's brain (to say nothing of the long, arduous journey through his abnormally thick melon), but I think it's worth a shot. Perhaps Conte could help with the delivery of this concept. I'm guessing he's available.


Alex Churchill

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

I thought only Larry King could get this kind of exclusive

They were going to have Christopher as well, but he couldn't tear himself away from his now daily routine of torturing horses.

Spinal Tapping

I have a dream. It is a dream of a wine-type brand for the upwardly mobile image-conscious former hipster graduating from west coast hydro to Pinot. It will be called "Gränd Crü" and the logo will rip off the Spinal Tap logo. Precisely what will be produced is another matter altogether.