Thursday, April 06, 2006

Fashionista Recruitment Tape

More from the vaults. Also contributed to Toro as a comic. Fuck'em

Ab Fab Jihad: The Fashionista Recruitment Tape

OPEN: A fuzzy, shaky shot of a swanning Karl Lagerfeld. The backdrop shows a world map, but in a projection that makes LA, NY, London, Paris and Tokyo occupy a HUGE portion of the world. At the corners of the map, out the window we can clearly see he is in Paris.

KARL: “Air kisses! MUHA! MUHA! Now, down to business. Today, the wounds of the fashion forward are deeper than ever.”

Karl recedes to the top right corner in a picture-in-picture effect. In the main frame is a video of beautiful fashion victims running from a burning Wal-Mart to waiting Hummers.

KARL: “The infidels from the flyover lands are following the path of the bridge and tunnel crowd – but there is hope. These brave warriors placed themselves among the hi-carbed, to rid the world of a shipment of twin sets; during Fashion Week no less!”

Karl still in top right. A khakis and runners clad couple going into an Armani Exchange while an uber-fashionable couple look on in disgust.

KARL: “Still, in spite of the sacrifices of these great warriors, the holy names are spit upon. Forgive me Coco, I wash my hands of these brand equity diluters, these business casual infidels.”

Karl still top right. A Sarah Jessica Parker Gap commercial plays

KARL: “Are Fashion Editors and Stylists blind to the desecration of “she who made holy the Jimmy Choo” by the Great khaki-selling Satan? And have you ever wondered if they cast only tiny models so that she looks, like, normal size?”

Back to Karl in front of backdrop.

KARL: “How did we get here? I quote Billy Joel when I say:

Don't you know about the new fashion honey,
All you need are looks and a whole lotta money.

Plus ça change et plus c'est la même chose.”

Karl back up to right corner. At the same time, in the main image we follow Karl around the Fashionista Training Camp – the first image is of Karl watching the “obstacle course” training exercise. Except instead of hooded jihadists swinging from the monkey bars in the middle of the afghan wilderness, it is buff male model clones, stripped to the waist, wearing only white linen trousers with the cuffs rolled-up swinging from monkey bars bedecked with great white lengths of gauzy fabric blowing in the wind in what is clearly South Beach.

KARL: “But hear me know when I say we can take back The Meat Packing District, we expel the Mid-West from the rive gauche! We each have it in us! Fashionistas, prepare for the Ab Fab Jihad! Listen to the Brazilian Girls on your iPod Nanos, do a thousand crunches and then, and only then, exfoliate!”

Karl still in top right. In main image, Karl surveys a catwalk set up in the sand, female models on the catwalk handle obviously fake guns in the same comically awkward fashion that the models in the Robert Palmer “Addicted to Love” video handled their instruments.

KARL: “The great big box retailers will try to stand in your way! But you will blend in – flying commercial, drinking non-vintage Veuve, exercising under the pretense of ‘feeling good’ – but when the time comes…”

Cut back to Karl one-shot, but now standing next to Jeanie Becker

Karl: “…The minister of information will tell you when and where to strike.”
Jeanie: “Asalamalakum”

Great Moments in Hip Hop Home Decor

A comic concept that I originally came up with for Toro. They didn't buy it , so I didn't get hooked up with an illustrator, so it didn't get made. If anyone knows an illustrator who's into hip hop who would be interested in doing this piece for shits & giggles (and as possible placement somewhere - I would love to get in touch with someone at The Source etc if and when they do a home issue), let me know. I suppose asking if anyone knows an illustrator who's into hip hop is like asking if anyone knows a Systems Administrator who's into Star Wars, so let me rephrase: If anyone knows an illustrator who's into doing this panel for shits, giggles and possible exposure, let me know.

This piece would be two pages, maybe a total of 8 panels. There would have to be some back and forth as to references that were too obscure. These are the initial riffs on the topic, but quite literally, I got a million of them. As sad as that sounds.

GREAT MOMENTS IN HIP HOP DÉCOR

Rap stars have proven themselves to be so much more than simply lyrical gangsters. MCs now run major record labels, headline Hollywood blockbusters, and are the toast of the runways of Paris and Milan. What’s next for the mighty MC? That last, untapped branch of brand extension – home décor. As these snapshots prove, the R&D is already done.

PANEL 1 - "The Jay-Z Boy"

TEXT

2004: Shawn Carter, dissatisfied with the comfort levels offered by traditional reclining loungers, decides to build his own. The result? He’s got 99 problems, lumbar support ain’t one.

DIALOGUE

“Now that’s what I’m talkin’ bout!”

ILLUSTRATION

Jay-Z kicking back in tasteful surroundings on a big pimpin’ recliner, all Gucci print fabric, gleaming chrome and flat screen television.

PANEL 2 - "The Ba-dunk-a-dunk-bunk"

TEXT

1985 – Long before he waded into the eye of a cultural tornado with 1992’s “Baby Got Back”, Sir Mix-A-Lot had his eye on both the future and on the swing of that back porch. Witness his Independent Study Project for his shop elective at Seattle’s Cliffton High.

DIALOGUE

“You see, the junk in the trunk runs in the family. This is a sleeping arrangement designed with the family carrying the booty gene in mind!”

ILLUSTRATION

Mix-A-Lot, dressed in the same ridiculous pirate-like get up from his Baby Got Back days only younger and much thinner, presenting a bunk bed with hugely exaggerated pear shaped beds to a panel of stern looking teacher types.

PANEL 3 - "3rd Bassinet"

TEXT

1993 – By ’93, white rap trailblazers 3rd Bass had begun their inexorable fall into hip hop’s footnotes. The inauspicious debut of their children’s furniture line at that year’s New York Design Showcase seemed like just another hearty serving of wackness from a pair of Vanilla Icicles. Oh, what could have been were the street ready for this level of script flipping.

DIALOGUE

Woman designer-type:“I like it – modern, reflecting modern pretensions.”
Vanilla Ice type: “Yo bee-yatch, dat shit is wiggedty wiggedty wiggedty wack!”

ILLUSTRATION

Woman designey-type (think Nina Libeskind) talking to Vanilla Ice type while looking at a blingy bassinet up on an auto-show like turntable (possibly with booth babes).

PANEL 4 - "The Suge Knigtable"

TEXT

1999 – The infamous capo of the Death Row record label, Marion “Suge” Knight is imprisoned on racketeering and fraud charges. While in the joint, members of Knight’s Piru Blood gang set send him the red bandanas they wore while performing retributive 187s for him – he uses the bandanas to build an elevated end table for his bunk – and a gangsta design classic is born.

DIALOGUE

“Riz-ed next to my biz-ead.”

ILLUSTRATION

Prison cell, upper bunk, Suge lies spread out with a high red nightable coming up to meet him.

PANEL 5 - "Lil’ Bow Haus"

TEXT

1999 – This tiny, perfect modernist whose horrible experiences growing up in the hood led to a new consciousness influenced strongly by design, architecture and art forgoes the usual McMansion and Hummer reward of his first record contract in favour of a two-year internship in design in Dessau, Germany.

DIALOGUE

“I TOLD y'all! Goin’ to the Source Awards ain’ creatin’ no aesthetic relevance to da requirements of DIS HERE time!”

ILLUSTRATION

Lil’ Bow Wow talking to agent type in an austere design workshop, sitting at a drafting table, explaining why he can’t attend.

PANEL 6 - "Fuck Da Plisse"

TEXT

1990 – In response to repeated spillings from his pimp cup, a young Snoop Dogg chooses to go with a matt twill on his next love seat.

DIALOGUE

“I hate this puckered-ass silk shit!”

ILLUSTRATION

Snoop, peeping a Louis XIV love seat that looks stained and abused – holding pimp cup.

OTHERS

Lil’ Jon Bathroom Accessories
A Drawer Called Chest
Arrested (Real Estate) Development
De La Sofa
Daybed La Soul
Skee-Lowboy
Digital Underpad
Ice Cube Maker
Inspectah Deck Builder
LL Cool Chaise
MC Solaarium
Muggs Ruggs
Pete Rock Garden
Third Bassboard
Stretch Armoire
The Notorious M.D.F.
Ton Louis XIV
The Lean Backsplash